Chapter 9: "If you strike me now..."

Luke has found Princess Lay Her deep within the cubicles of the Fuck-Tell Mega Sauna World complex at Fortress Erskineville. Together with Hand Solo and Poo Packer they attempt to find a way back to the others...

Luke and Lay Her crouch together in a cubicle for protection as they continue to avoid the dancetroopers. Hand Solo and Poo Packer are barely able to keep the dancetroopers occupied at the far end of the hallway. The sexual tension is very intense, and the smell of amyl fills the narrow corridor.

LUKE: There isn't any other way out.

HAND SOLO: I can't hold them all forever! Now what?

LAY HER: This is some rescue. When you came in here, didn't you have a plan for getting out?

HAND SOLO: (pointing to Luke) He's the brains, sweetheart.

Luke manages a sheepish grin and shrugs his shoulders.

LUKE: Well, I didn't...

The princess grabs Luke's weapon while opening a small door in the wall next to Hand Solo.

HAND SOLO: What the hell are you doing?

LAY HER: Somebody has to save our skins. Just follow me, wise guy.

Poo Packer sniffs the doorway and says something.

HAND SOLO: Get in there you big furry oaf! I don't care what you smell! Get in there and don't worry about it.
 
Hand Solo gives him a kick and the big Oz Bear disappears into the doorway. Luke and Hand work their way along the passage. The rebels suddenly find themselves waist deep in something wet and warm, tiny bubbles of gas constantly erupt around them and the whole room is filled with an acrid odour.

HAND SOLO: (sarcastically) Oh great! This must be the Mega-Spa. This was a really wonderful idea. What an incredible smell you've discovered! Let's get out of here! Get away from there...

LUKE: No! wait!

Hand Solo grabs his weapon.

LUKE: Will you forget it? This is no time for sex!

LAY HER: Put that thing away! You're going to get us all excited.

HAND SOLO: Absolutely, Your Worship. Look, I had everything under control until you led us down here. You know, it's not going to take them long to figure out what happened to us.

LAY HER: It could be worse...

Slithering sounds penetrate the fog, and moans and groans can be heard in the Mega-Spa.

HAND SOLO: It's worse.

LUKE: There's something sleazy in here!

HAND SOLO: That's your imagination.

LUKE: Something just grabbed my leg! Look! Did you see that?

HAND SOLO: What?

LUKE: Help!

Suddenly Luke is yanked under the bubbles of the Mega-Spa.

HAND SOLO: Luke! Luke! Luke!

Solo tries to get to Luke. Luke surfaces with a gasp of air and thrashing of limbs. An arm is wrapped around his torso. Poo Packer has meanwhile found the cable TV and is trying to use it to contact the droids. He tosses the remote to Luke who catches it with his free hand.

LUKE: 3.0! Come in 3.0! 3.0! Where could he be?

Meanwhile elsewhere in the complex AC-DC frantically communicates something to KIN-ZEE 3.0.

3.0: Use the Cable TV? Oh, my! What a wonderful idea!

Muffled sounds of Luke's voice over the cable TV can be heard, but not distinctly, and vague images can barely be seen through the mist that
fills the Mega-Spa.

3.0: Are you there, sir?

LUKE: 3.0!

3.0: We've had some problems...

LUKE: (over cable TV as he struggles to realease himself from the grasp of some sleazy creature in the spa) Will you shut up and listen to me? Shut down all the bubbles in the Mega-Spa, will you? Do you copy?

3.0: (to AC-DC) Quickly AC-DC. Shut them all down! Hurry!

Kin-Zee 3.0 holds his head in agony as he hears the incredible moaning and groaning from the cable TV.

THREEPIO: Listen to them! They've started the orgy without us, AC-DC! Curse my aged body! I wasn't fast enough. It's all my fault!

LUKE: (over cable TV) 3.0, we're all right! We're just celebrating!

The screaming and hollering is the sound of joyous relief mixed in with the sound of an orgy in the background. The slithering bodies in the spa have stopped moving now that the bubbles have disappeared and have retreated to their separate corners, waiting for the next unsuspecting body.

The group exits the Mega-Spa into a dusty, unused hallway.
 

LAY HER: Listen. I don't know who you are, or where you came from, but from now on, you do as I tell you. Okay?

Hand Solo is stunned at the command of the young rebel leader.

HAND SOLO: Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight! You don't get to give me any orders unless your dressed as a dominatrix, so if you'ld care to put this leather outfit on we can get down to business.

LAY HER: It's a wonder you're still alive. (looking at the Oz Bear) Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way?

Hand Solo watches her start away. He looks at Luke.

HAND SOLO: She's one real nasty bitch ain't she. I think I'm beginning to enjoy this.

They follow her, moving swiftly down the deserted corridor.

MEANWHILE ELSEWHERE IN THE COMPLEX

Oh Bi One is wandering through the corridors following his highly force-attuned gaydar. He hides in the shadows of the narrow passageway as several dancetroopers rush past him in the main hallway. He checks to make sure they're gone, then runs down the hallway in the opposite direction. Dark Leather appears at the far end of the hallway and starts after the old Jaded Knight.

OB1 hurries along one of the corridors leading to the car-park where the Millenium Bug waits. Just before he reaches the doorway, Dark Leather steps into view at the end of the tunnel, not three metres away.

The two approach each other with that typical sense of embarrassment mixed with uncertainty and curiosity when ex-lovers run into each other after a long separation

DARK LEATHER: You're looking well Oh Bi One.

OB1: You don't look to bad yourself, I see you've really gotten into the BDSM scene since last time

DARK LEATHER: When I left you, I was but the subordinate; now I am the master.

OB1: Yes, I can imagine you well in that role

The two Jaded Knights stand perfectly still for a few moments, sizing each other up and waiting for the right moment. OB1 seems to be under increasing tension. He shakes his head and, blinking, tries to clear his eyes. OB1's pulse is beginning to race, while Dark Leather feels his already tight leather jeans become even more constricting.

DARK LEATHER: I hear you have a new apprentice, old man. You know you're old enough to be his father.

OB1: But, I'M not his father, as you well know (he says with deep emphasis)

DARK LEATHER: Enough about the past! I don't wish to discuss him further.

The others have reached the corridor and Luke sees his master talking to the dark thresh lord. The sexual tension is palpable. With his new found powers Luke can sense what is passing between the two ex-lovers. The tension in the airs appears like bright arcs of light flashing between the two men in every increasing strokes, criss-crossing between them. Even Luke begins to feel a little warm under the collar. With each passing moment the sexual tension mounts, the coloured lights crash more fervently.

DARK LEATHER: Your self-control is weak, old man.

OB1: If you strike me now, I shall become more aroused than you can possibly imagine.

The old Jaded Knight looks over his shoulder at Luke, then turns back towards Dark Leather with an expectant look on his face. Dark Leather brings his flogger down, hard upon OB1. OB1's cloak falls to the floor, but OB1 is not in it. Dark Leather has also disappeared. But the sounds of orgasmic rapture can be heard far along the corridor.

LUKE: No!

HAND SOLO: (to Luke) Come on!

LAY HER: Come on! Luke, its too late! He's gone back to his lover.

OB1'S VOICE (can be heard emerging from the ether ... or perhaps the ethernet): More! Again! Yes Again!

Luke looks around to see where the voice came from. Then joins the others as they make for the carpark where the Millenium Bug awaits.

IN THE CAR PARK:

Luke, saddened by the departure of OB1, stares off blankly as the droids look on. Lay Her puts a blanket around him protectively, and Luke turns and looks up at her. She sits down beside him. Luke looks downward sadly, shaking his head back and forth, as the princess smiles comfortingly at him.

LUKE: I can't believe he's gone.

LAY-HER: There wasn't anything you could have done.

HAND SOLO: (to Luke) Come on, buddy, it's not over yet!

They climb into the Millenium Bug ready to depart. Suddenly a sinister figure approaches the rebels in the car-park.

DARK LEATHER: This will be a day long remembered. I have defeated OB1 and I will soon see the end of the Rebellion. You're a bunch of Capital Fucking L Losers!

Hand Solo narrowly avoids a collision with the Thresh Lord as the rebels flee to fight another day.