Chapter 8: Mega-Sauna-World
This installment is dedicated to Kim Walker-Beaumont
whom I have come to know well in the last few months in the lead up to
the elections. He is a truly inspirational person and his eloquent words
in the most recent SSO should not be missed. If his letter does not convince
people to vote for change than I suspect nothing will. If I could I would
nominate him to write our constitutional preamble as I'm sure he would
do a remarkable job. Although, my own talents pale into insignificance
beside his, I've decided I should not let down my loyal fans and have returned
to the keyboard
Princess Lay Her had just witnessed the destruction of the Raw Nerve Gallery and was still being held prisoner somewhere in the secret headquarters of Fortress Erskineville.
Luke and his companions after searching cyberspace discover the empty ruins of Raw Nerve Gallery and follow a group of Imperial Dance Troopers hoping to locate the princess.
OB1 continues his training of young Luke, he has had some very disquieting thoughts and fears his companions will be easily turned to the dark side. Perhaps it was the violent repercussions emanating through The Force that unbalanced him, but he has strengthened his resolve. This is our last best hope for diversity, and he is in it till the end ominous words indeed!!!
and now Part 8 of Queer Wars: A New Magic
VOICE OVER INTERCOM: Clear Bay twenty-three-seven. We are opening the satellite and cable-tv links. Greetings! Today we are having a special offer to all our Frequent-Fucker card-holders. For every dollar you spend in the Fuck-Tell Mega-Sauna-World complex you will receive 8 frequent-fucker points and the first ten customers in the mega-spa will receive 100 hours free internet connect time generously sponsored by Fuck-Tell and the Jabba-the-Gates Corporation.
Thirty lycra-clad dancetroopers stand at attention in a central assembly area.
DANCETROOPER: (to Dark Leather) We've spotted a clapped out Volkswagen Beetle parked around the corner. It's markings match those of a vehicle that escaped from us at the Taxi Club.
DARK LEATHER: It's the rebels, they must be nearby somewhere. My gaydar is going haywire I sense something...a presence I haven't felt since...
Dark Leather turns quickly and heads off to some unseen part of the Fuck-Tell Mega-Sauna World Complex.
A dancetrooper walks through the corridors past several cubicles heading for the mega-spa. In a few moments all is quiet. The muffled sounds of a distant orgy are all that can be heard. Two cubicle doors suddenly open revealing Hand Solo and Luke. OB1 sticks his head out of a third cubicle.
LUKE: Boy, it's lucky we found these empty cubicles.
HAND SOLO: This is ridiculous. We'll never find the princess in herethis Mega-Sauna must contain 10,000 cubicles.. and each of them has 24 hour Fuck-Tell cable TV and internet access!!! We need to find the central controls
OB1: Leave that to me!
OB1 heads off into the darkness. A moment later a towel-clad dancetrooper appears out of the darkness and approaches the cubicle containing the hirsute Poo Packer. The dancetrooper, in a momentary state of shock, stumbles backward. With a bone-chilling howl, the giant Oz Bear flattens the pretty boy with one kiss. The pretty boy immediately reaches for his "weapon", but is taken from behind by Hand Solo. The dazed and confused pretty boy temporarily gratified wanders off again into the darkness. The mature aged droids enter the cubicle quickly followed by Luke.
LUKE: You know, between his moaning and kissing everything in sight, it's a wonder the whole sauna doesn't know we're here.
HAND SOLO: Bring them on! I prefer a straight fuck to all this sneaking around.
While the others are discussing their sexual strategies the mature-aged droids have been busy playing with the Fuck-Tell cable and internet connection trying to hack into the main control system.
KIN-ZEE 3.0: We found the control system, sir.
AC-DC punches the keyboard and the vast Imperial brain network of Fortress Erskineville comes to life, feeding information to the little droid.
KIN-ZEE 3.0: He says "I've found her She's here."
LUKE: Quick where is she?
KIN-ZEE 3.0: Level five. Cubicle A-twenty-three.
HAND SOLO: What's your plan?
LUKE: Uh...3.0, hand me those chains there will you?
Luke moves toward Poo Packer with metal-studded leather cuffs.
LUKE: Okay. Now, I'm going to put these on you.
Poo Packer lets out a hideous moan of delight.
HAND SOLO: I think I know what he has in mind.
The Oz Bear has a ecstatic look of delight on his face as Hand Solo binds him with the cuffs.
KIN-ZEE 3.0: Master Luke, sir! Pardon me for asking...but, ah...what should AC-DC and I do if we're discovered here?
LUKE: Lock the door! Just keep monitoring the situation, we may need you later.
Luke and Hand Solo put on their stolen lycra dancetrooper outfits and towels and start off into the giant Imperial Mega-Sauna. Hand Solo and Luke try to look inconspicuous in their lycra suits as they wait for an elevator to arrive. A few curious boys wander past faintly intrigued by the pretty boys and their enslaved Oz Bear.. fortunately it's not their scene and they ignore the trio completely. Finally a small elevator arrives and the trio ascend to level five.
HAND SOLO: (whispering to Luke) This is not going to work.
LUKE: Why didn't you say so before?
HAND SOLO: I did say so before!
Elevator doors open. A tall, grim looking sales assistant wearing a Fuck-Tell t-shirt approaches the trio.
SALES BOY: Where are you taking this...thing?
LUKE: Prisoner transfer from Block one-one-three-eight.
SALES BOY: You guys really get into this role-play stuff don't ya. Okay, I'll play along, I've always wanted to be a military officer
The sales boy tries his best to overcome his naturally camp tendencies and put on the airs of a military officer.
SALES BOY: I wasn't notified. (gigglegiggle) You'll have to be punished for your lack of protocol. On your knees (smirk)
The sales boy begins to disrobe. There are only three other dance troopers in the area, who wander over to join in. Luke and Hand Solo survey the situation, checking all of the alarms, cubicles, and camera eyes. Hand Solo unfastens one of Poo Packers's leather cuffs and shrugs to Luke. Suddenly Poo Packer throws up his hands and lets out with one of his ear-piercing howls. He grabs Hand Solo's flogger.
HAND SOLO: Look out! He's loose!
LUKE: He's going to pull us all apart.
SALES BOY: Gee what an imagination (gigglegiggle) Help! Help! I'm being attacked by a big hairy Oz Bear. (giggle giggle)
Luke and Hand Solo have already started to tie up the other dancetroopers and begin to flog them. The Sales Boy throws himself to the floor and pleads for mercy
SALES BOY: Oh, Sir.. I surrender (gigglegiggle) Do what you will with me
Hand Solo and Luke bind and gag him then quickly scuttle down the corridor. The sales asssitant and the bound dancetroopers start to wonder why their new playmates have so rapidly lost interest. Several hours later they will also realise that they are still tied up.
HAN: We've got to find this princess of yours. Here it is...cubicle twenty-one-eight-seven. You go get her. I'll keep a look-out here.
Luke stops in front of one of the cubicles and kicks the door open. Luke sees the dazzling young rebel-princess. She had been sleeping and is now looking at him with an uncomprehending look on her face. Luke is stunned by her incredible beauty and stands staring at her with his mouth and his towel half open.
LAY HER: (finally) Aren't you a little short to be a dancetrooper?
LUKE: What? Oh...the towel (he says glancing down slightly embarrased). I'm Luke Fencesitter. I'm here to rescue you.
LAY HER: You're who?
LUKE: I'm here to rescue you. I'm here with Oh Bi One.
LAY HER: Old Bi Wayne is here! Where is he?
LUKE: Come on!
FORTRESS ERSKINEVILLE -- MEGASAUNA CONFERENCE ROOM AND SPA.
Dark Leather paces the room as Governor Mock Lachlan sits in the spa.
DARK LEATHER: He is here...
MOCK LACHLAN: Oh Bi One? What makes you think so?
DARK LEATHER: A tremor in the Force. Or if you remain skeptical of these things, my gaydar. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old lover.
MOCK LACHLAN: Surely he must be dead by now.
DARK LEATHER: Don't underestimate the power of the Force.
MOCK LACHLAN: The Jaded Knights are extinct, their diversity has gone out of the ghetto. You, my friend, have made sure of that!
There is a quiet buzz on the comlink.
MOCK LACHLAN: Yes.
INTERCOM VOICE: Governor Mock Lachlan, we have an emergency alert in cubicle block A-twenty-three.
MOCK LACHLAN: The princess! Put the fortress on alert!
DARK LEATHER: Oh Bi One is here. The Force is with him.
MOCK LACHLAN: If you're right, he must not be allowed to escape.
DARK LEATHER: Escape is not his plan. I must face him alone.
