Chapter 5: Hand Solo and Poo Packer
Oh Bi One, Luke, KIN-ZEE 3.0 and AC-DC arrive at the doorstep of the most infamous club on the planet.
OB1: The Taxi Club. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.
Oh Bi One looks over at Luke, who gives the old Jaded Knight a determined smile. Our four reluctant heroes are stopped at the door by a formidable door-bitch who questions Luke.
DOOR-BITCH: Let me see your identification.
Luke becomes very nervous as he fumbles to find his ID while OB1 speaks to the door-bitch in a very controlled voice.
OB1: You don't need to see his identification.
DOOR-BITCH: I don't need to see his identification.
OB1: We don't need to pay a cover charge.
DOOR-BITCH: You don't need to pay a cover charge.
OB1: We can go upstairs.
DOOR-BITCH: You can go upstairs.
OB1: You find me incredibly attractive.
DOOR-BITCH: Move along, old man! Your jaded powers will only get you so far! Move along.
LUKE: (To OB1) I can't understand how we got by those door-bitches. I thought we were dead.
OB1: The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded. You will find it a powerful ally.
LUKE: Do you really think we're going to find a navigator here that'll help us locate the Princess?
OB1: Well, you can find the strangest things at the Taxi Club. Only watch your step. This place can be a little rough.
LUKE: I'm ready for anything.
KIN-ZEE 3.0: Come along, AC-DC. .
The young adventurer and the two mature aged droids follow OB1 into the smoke-filled night-club. The murky, moldy den is filled with a startling array of weird and exotic alien creatures and monsters. At first the sight is horrifying. One-eyed, two-eyed, slimy, furry, sequined, glittered, and leather-clad creatures huddle over drinks. OB1 moves to an empty spot at the bar near a group of repulsive but human scum. Luke and the droids go to buy some drinks. A huge, rough-looking man at the bar stops Luke and the droids.
BIGOT: We don't want their kind here!
Luke still recovering from the shock of seeing so many outlandish creatures, doesn't quite catch the drift.
LUKE: What?
BIGOT: Your droids. They'll have to wait outside. We don't want them here.
Luke complains to the management, who unlike other organisations has an inclusive policy and decides to evict the bigot!
LUKE: (to 3.0 and AC-DC) Listen, why don't you wait over there with OB1 while I buy the drinks. We don't want any further trouble.
OB1 is sitting next to an eight-foot-tall oz-bear. Over his matted, furry body he wears a studded leather harness, and little else. After Luke buys drinks he comes over and is introduced to OB1's friend.
OB1: This is Poo-Packer, he is an oz-bear. His partner may have skills that suit our needs.
LUKE: OB1 why did that bigot want the droids to leave?
OB1: Unfortunately Luke, even in a place like the Taxi Club you often come across people who can't accept others for who they are. It's yet another symptom of the Empire's perversion of the Force.
LUKE: Tell me more about this Force.
OB1: Well, the Force is what makes a Jaded Knight queer. It's the diversity created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the community together.
LUKE: Are you saying that everyone is queer?
OB1: Yes, Luke. Each of us has the potential to fully realise our individuality and defy the forces of conformity, yet many spend their entire lives unaware of this potential, content to let others define their universe for them. To such people those that revel in their individuality seem strange, foreign, exotic and often to be parodied, feared or dismissed as frivolous.The Jaded Knights have vowed to fight against xenophobia to create a community where all are valued and no-one is discouraged from expressing their individuality.
LUKE: But what about Dark Leather, Grand Mock Lachlan and the Empire? Aren't they fighting for the same things we are?
OB1: If only that were true, Luke. At first it seemed so, but they perverted the Force and used it for their own political purposes. They used labels and categories to divide people, claimed that the fences they built were for protection but they soon became an ideological prison. Those that were once persecuted themselves, turned around and persecuted others when they became powerful enough.
LUKE: But aren't labels and categories very useful things? They allow us to recognise our allies, find people who share similar desires, to know where we might be safe.
OB1: Yes, Luke. Some of us use labels to add to who we are, to describe one facet of our unique and ever changing complex personalities and lives, while others use labels to subtract, to detach us, to distinguish us from the other. Take for example, Poo Packer's people, the oz-bears, or our two friends the mature-aged-droids, they have often been marginalised, made to feel second-class because they did not fit the Empire's ideal, or where they are accepted it is as a token gesture, perpetuating false stereotypes.Being queer is not just about who you are, it is also about how you regard and treat others!!
LUKE: Please tell me more, Oh Bi One!
OB1: Later, Luke, such long expository sections are liable to disrupt the narrative flow and decrease audience ratings!
Strange creatures dance to exotic music as Luke, still giddy from OB1's seminar on queer theory, downs a fresh drink and follows OB1 and Poo-Packer to a booth where Hand Solo is sitting. He is an Onanist Navigator adept at smuggling pornography passed the internet censors and is very good with his hands. OB1 explains their mission to find Princess Lay Her and help the rebellion.
HAND SOLO: I believe I have the skills to help you. My vehicle is just outside. Let's leave soon. (Hand sounded nervous, as though he had his own reasons for a rapid departure).
OB1, Luke, and the droids make their way up the street. Poo Packer jabbers excitedly and signals for them to hurry. Parked in the middle of the street is a small, round, beat-up, pieced-together hunk of junk that was once a Volkswagen beetle.
LUKE: What a piece of junk.
The tall figure of Hand Solo comes down the street.
HAND SOLO: The "Millenium Bug" may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. I won it playing Poke with an old friend. I've added some special modifications myself.
Luke scratches his head. It's obvious he isn't sure about all this.
HAND SOLO: We're a little rushed, so if you'll hurry aboard we'll get out of here.
The group squeezes into the Bug, and are surpised to find the interior filled with a badly pieced together computer system.
LUKE: You've got to be kidding, it doesn't even have Windows, we'll never find the princess this way.
Hand Solo believed in doing things the hard way, rather than submit to the commercial tyranny of Jabba the Gates, who had a stranglehold over the galaxy's computer industry, he believed in piecing together bits and pieces and building his own unique if somewhat malfunctioning equipment. In his own way, Hand Solo was also fighting for the principles of diversity and freedom of expression that the Jaded Knights valued so highly.
Poo Packer settles into the driver's seat and starts the mighty hard-drives of the Millenium Bug. Over the shoulders of Poo Packer and Hand Solo, we can see cyber space spread before them. Luke and OB1 make their way into the back seat while Hand continues his calculation.
HAND SOLO: Breathe in! There are two more coming in.
LUKE: Why can't you find her? I thought you said this thing was fast.
HAND SOLO: Watch your mouth, kid, or you're going to find yourself walking home. We'll be fast enough once we make the connection to cyberspace. Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll find her!
LUKE: Are you kidding? At the rate you're going...
HAND SOLO: It'll take a few moments to get the URL from the navigator. Searching through cyerspace isn't like dusting crops, boy! Without precise calculations we could end up anywhere!
LUKE: What's that flashing?
HAND SOLO: My hard drive is failing! You'll all need to give me a hand at getting it back up!
OB1: Perhaps this will help (handing him a small capsule)
HAND SOLO: What is it?
OB1: It's called Viagra...
